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  • Monica New Orleans, LA

    Hello Mr. Perry, Try this one on for size. I have been with my husband for 14 years and we have been married for 6 of those years. 12 hours before our wedding my husband tells me that he has a baby by someone else. Also that his entire family know about this baby. Now these are the same people who smiled in my face at family gatherings. Then tried to play me for a fool behind my back. I admit that I was too ashamed to stop the wedding. And after talking to my lawyer, in order to get some of the money back for the wedding, it would be best if I went through with the wedding. Well, I did. That was in November 2004. Over the years we tried to work it out. Trust is a big issue with me and I still don't trust my husband as far as I can spit and that is not far at all. For the past 3 1/2 years, we have done nothing but argue and I am sick and tired of it but it seems to me that my husband like to argue and literally cry. He cry so much I laugh at him. Do you have any advice? What you do with a situation like this. Oh yes, by the way, the baby was born the 2 months before we buried my father in May 2002 , which my husband sat at the funeral with me and acted like nothing was wrong. What kind of man is that cruel? Help Me Please!!!!!

    Reply
    • Shirley KS #1597029

      Monica...girlfriend I sincerely sympathize with you and your situation. I can relate to your situation. The only difference is my husband has no children..but everything else is identical. I have been married to this 'clown' for 23 years and he has slept with everyone except his mother. It is very depressing and downright crazy. And he wonders why there is NO trust. The only reason I am still with this creep is due to finances. I've gone back to school and got my MBA and I am seeking that job that will bring me over the top. Once I have that job...I AM GONE..and he can keep house with any lady he chooses. Enough is enough. You got to get yourself in a position that you can begin functioning without that lifestyle. For me I had to regain my self-respect. Now I am able to make constructive decisions that do not concern him. The games are over and I am on my way for a bigger and better life that doesn't include adultery, lies, diseases, and non-trust. Monica, I wish you the best in your decision-making. God loves you and so do I.

      Reply
    • Susan Texas #1597766

      You went inot this married as a lie. You will always doubt him. The only way you can get this to work (if You are willing) is to have what I call a dual table session. This is an open talk with pencil and paper at the table and begin with your wedding vows. Then talk about the baby-1st, did he get a DNA test, did you? 2nd, what is it about you both that you love about each other? 3rd, what is it about you both that you don't? Do not interupt each other, that is what the pencil and paper is for.; write it down until it is your turn to talk. Keep at this until you both have said everything that is troubling you. If you agree on correcting the issues, set a real goal and do them (not all at once). Come back to the table in 30, 60, etc. days until all has been taken care. If you love each other it will work, if you don't why stay?

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    • TrineyGurl Philly #1598729

      WoW! Susan, That's quite a profound exercise you've posted here as a way to resolve interpersonal conflict. Very interesting. I can see applying that to other relationships communications and problem resolution as well. Like between parent & child for instance. I like this, your advice loads...

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    • Jasmine Chicago, IL #1610657

      Monica, OMG.... do u want to hear something too? Well i was with my boyfriend for 3yrs when I got pregnant. I was 5 months when he told me that he had a 2 yr old boy. I decided to give him another chance. So when my daugther turned a year in a half i found out that he was married to his ex, the mother of his son!! And to top it all off my girl and his boy have the SAME BIRTHDAYS!!!! how weird is that?! Well 2 years later after i found out all this out I married him. YES, i married him lol.... I think if you really love that person and if hes willling to do whatever you ask without hestitation its going to work out! I mean, Im not going to lie, we would fight alot and of course I wouldnt trust him at all. But within time if its day by day the trust will get back there. Not as before but hey, if yous really love each other then yous would make it work. Especially if yous have kids together. But if you feel you cant trust him at all then your better off leaving each other because your doing harm to each other and believing and thinking that some day, one day it will change and that it will go back to the way things were. And it isnt and wont happen. Im sorry to say.

      Reply
    • J.A. MILLER #1611485

      You shouldn't went through with the marriage! What's more embarrassing...cancelling a wedding or cancelling your life?? I wish you the best!!

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    • Tasha Baltimore #1616948

      Monica- I really appreciate your transparency of your story. What you have been experiencing is pretty deep. My suggestion is Jesus. Jesus is the only answer to healing of deep wounds. That kind of walk is tough because you have to stay dedicated and committed to Christ to make it through. I don't know if you have a personal relationship with Christ, but if you don't please feel free to email me and I will share how to do if you are saved and have accepted Christ into your life, then you would understand what I'm saying. I have deeply hurt my husband and he has deeply hurt me as well. I thought we were on our way to divorce but God said something different. The first thing to remember is that you made vows before God, which is a promise that you both made stating that for Better or for Worst!!! This just happens to be the Worst, but it doesn't mean that it will remain that way. The most important thing that you can say to yourself is What did you really marry your husband for? Were you that prideful to ignore the circumstance of what you found out right before you married him or is it that you really loved him and despite his sin you looked past it -as Christ looks past our sins? This is the real question to ask yourself. What you executed to your then boyfriend was unconditional love and you exhibited that trait prior to the marriage. Why fuss and fight about that now. Trust when it is broken is very hard to rebuild but not impossible if you allow God to guide you. Your husband has a responsibility as well to you in showing true remorse and brokenness and this can only be done through Christ. Following Jesus will bring you to a place in your marriage that you would never imagine getting to. I know because my marriage is living proof of grave damage that my husband and I allowed God to work in us to change our marriage. We have a long way to go and we still have some major healing, but with God he gives us all power and strength. Trust God more than your husband. In trusting your husband -You just have to make it up in your mind one day that I got to do it. I can't tell you a step by step process to rebuilding trust. You just got to do it! Don't allow satan to have that type of hold on you. Pray that God will help you to trust in him first and then to help you trust your husband. Then just do it! When the negative thoughts surface pray them down and ask Jesus to help you to think like he thinks. You can do it with Jesus! I pray that your marriage will be blessed with many more long years. God hates DIVORCE!!!

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    • Girl Pleaz! seattle #1618387

      Hi there, I see that you and Monica are really going through some personal issues. In my opinion, if you live long enough and your single long enough, you will go through your share of losers. The problem is, we women have to take responsibility for the choices we make. Point and case: by the time you two married these men, "YOU ALREADY NEW THE JOB WAS DANGEROUS WHEN YOU TOOK IT". My advice, learn to respect your gut (based on your own collected experiences). Also, learn about codependency and then deprogram yourself. Here's a good combative strategy: face your own demons (especially any sexual abuse or self-esteem issues), and celebrate your strengths. Learn to be happy alone while waiting on Jesus (yeah, I said Jesus), and always, always count the cost for everything you do because everything has a price. With that said, you may want to consider how much more these marriages/relationships will cost you ladies. These are the type of relationships that decay the soul. P.S. Read Codependency Trap or Codependency No More to help break your dependencies

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    • Sunshine #1694785

      I must say, you have really spoke a "WORD" here!!!!

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    • Quinter Nairobi,Kenya #1766417

      What i can tell you is,Learn to forgive one another then talk about it because if the baby is truelly his then there is little you can do coz he cant change the fact that he is the biological father of that baby. Ask God for answers but dont break that family if it is a potential on.Forgive and forget since Love does not keep any wrong doing and treat that as one of his past

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    • Erica Gaithersburg, MD #1791779

      I'm sorry you went through all that drama with your husband. I'm happy that you realized that you DESERVE so much more than lies, adultery, and betrayal. Nothing hurts more than finding out that the one person who claims that he loves you could cause so much pain. Thank God that you are on your way to greatness and OUT THE DOOR!!! I pray that God will guide your every step and help you along the way with the crazy emotions that tag along after a split. God will see you thru until your dreams come true.

      Reply
    • chanette Fontana CA. #1801355

      You are very nice because I would of been played a trick on him to let him feel how u felt when he told u that he got some other girl pregnant a day before your wedding. If I was in your shoes and i stayed with him i will wait for a couple of months and tell him im pregnant by another man. Now if your man crazy make sure u have family or a closed friend by u when u tell him that in case he try something stupid but that just me. But really talk just leave and get a divorce. Its time for u to be happy it is another man out there for you. The more u stress yourself out and being unhappy is not good and sleeping with somebody you don't want is not good either. Good luck to you and hope u make the right choice.

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    • Bernadette United Kingdom #1878746

      Hello. Read your email and wanted to let you know you are not alone. I pray this will provide some comfort. Has he apologized for not telling you? If so, forgive him. To err is human, to forgive is divine is a true saying. The word of God says we should forgive 70 x 7. I am still working on that one. lol. If you are going to continue in your marriage, fighting like cats and dogs everyday is no way to live. It will eventually affect you mentally, and physically in your health. Make fresh vows to each other. Start fresh and go out on dates; remember what it is that you two saw in each other. Use this as an opportunity to gain a love and respect for each other greater than before.

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    • JOHN LONGENECKER #1879626

      Sept 29 Monica I know exactly what to do. Love your husband. Love his baby. Think about and seek love happiness and joy in your life every moment of every day. Be very proud of all your accomplishments. Give yourself time for you everyday. Tell you husband you are on HIS side and that you want to dream of being partners in life. Ask him to ask you what you want as often as possible. Try stuff like that. It brings more joy and happiness. Trust your husband to love you and tell him so. Tell him you know you have unlisted love for him and his child inside you cuz you are a spiritual being and ask him to help you express it every moment of your life. JOHN LONGENECKER

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    • Laney California #1885815

      Gosh my heart hurts for you! That is deep too deep. I know there is not a day that doesn't go by where you think "Why me" All I can say is that's sad and I wouldn't of went on with the wedding. He doesn't deserve you and D*** him for being a lying cheating bastard. Tell him go with his baby mama and take care of the baby.

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    • HENRIETTA Ghana #1965080

      AM TOUCHED BY YOURS WORDS, TASHA. INDEED JESUS IS THE ANSWER.

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